***
11/4/2012...
I had this nearly overwhelming feeling today that I should I look at Danny's
FaceBook page, and with tears in my eyes, I read the loving, kind, and tender words of his family still talking to him there... I don't know why I should feel this way for him or his family, I haven't seen any of his family since the funeral, yet I still feel such compassion for them. I always liked the Nielsen's, especially Mark. I wish we could all see Danny here again, but mostly, I wish peace for Danny, Mark, Jeanette, Alyssa, his wife, and his family...
***
On September 26, 2010, Danny Nielsen passed from our existence to another. It was sudden, and quite unexpected. He lived next door to my family for a number of years. He was married for two years, and had no children. He was 25 years old. On Friday, October 1st, a service was conducted in honor of his life. Danny had three brothers, and a sister. All loved him dearly. His father, Mark, spoke very lovingly of him, and his mother, Jeanette with his sister Kim sang a beautiful heartfelt rendition of “I Need Thee Every Hour.” Danny’s wife, Alyssa, read a soft love poem he wrote her. Hundreds attended Danny’s service. It was a warm, melancholy service, and all did their best to remember his life. Strangely, but not unexpectedly, I wasn’t sad for him.
Danny had some trouble with substance abuse, and he had for a number of years. It caught up with him. It wasn’t known to us whether his passing was intentional or accidental. Either way, I still care about him. I feel compassion, kindness and sympathy for his family and wife. Still, I can’t help but feel happy for Danny.
I remember Danny as being quiet, and unassuming. An old spirit, and a tall man, he had a large build, he was intelligent, and Danny was a handsome guy. I saw the deep intelligence in his eyes. Yet he had a humble presence. He never talked much, but he had a little bit of mischief in him, which of course, gave him some personality.
One day, I was standing at the entrance to my garage door. I don’t think Danny knew I was there, out of sight, but within 10 feet of my GMC Suburban. I had one because nothing towed a camping trailer like a Suburban. But, I’m pretty sure I had replaced about every mechanical part in about four years. It was detestable as a machine, but yet the family had lots of fun in it. It was an overcast morning, quiet, and you could hear the birds singing, and the insects buzzing. You know, like in the cartoons... You can hear the beginning of "The William Tell Overture..."
“CRACK!!!”
I remember the sharp report… It sounded like a small bore pistol being fired. Maybe a .22 caliber, it was close, and I looked around the wall, and I think Danny saw me and quickly stepped inside his front door and closed it to hide his obviously guilty face. He had a look of shock and surprise, because he didn’t expect me to appear and see him with the “weapon.”
It wasn’t a handgun, but a rather large and powerful looking slingshot. Having a rather keen grasp for the obvious, I quickly looked at the Suburban, and there in the left rear window was the telltale sign of a high-speed impact of a small projectile. Well, I wasn’t happy. What the heck?!! Why would Danny do that?!! I wasn’t a happy camper… I walked over to his front door, rang the bell, and Mark, his father appeared. He could see that it wasn’t going to exactly be a pleasant visit. I asked him if Danny had a slingshot, and Mark said he just got it for his birthday. We looked at my Suburban and the window, and now Mark wasn’t a happy camper... I told him I heard the crack, and saw Danny dash inside. Mark also had a pretty good idea what had happened. Mark thought Danny was mature enough to handle a slingshot responsibly, apologized to me, then he muttered something and went into house with a grim look on his face. Actually out of sight, I chuckled to myself, because, damn! It was a fine slingshot and I always wanted something like it when I was young. My Mom was totally against it, because, I might shoot someone’s eye out. Sheesh! I really wanted one. I also knew Danny was in deep kimchee…
When I saw Danny next, we never talked about it. We never went there. I knew; Danny knew that I knew, and that was enough. I paid for the window. It was less than my deductible. No need for apologies. A little grin from him, then me, and it was understood. I disliked that money pit of a Suburban. But, I’ve always liked Danny.
So, why would I not be sad for his passing in such a useless and preventable way?
Whatever the self describes, describes the self. (Jakob Boehme, 1575-1624). I’m pretty sure that Danny is fascinated with the universe. Maybe he doesn't understand it; maybe he doesn't understand his place in it. Sometimes the roles we play get in the way of connecting with our loved ones and growing. I’m pretty sure without knowing Danny very well that he was into experiencing life. It isn't a problem for Danny to solve; he wants to experience it. He wrote lovely poetry, he was a fitness instructor, and he got well above average grades in school. Mark was right… Danny is an enigma. At least to some…
I read Danny’s Facebook page, and there was much to see and learn about him. Pictures of him smiling with his wife… Fragments of his quiet thoughts… Some small snippets of his self-assessments, all there and quite telling of his complex presence. You wouldn’t know that he had trouble with substances. But what shines brightly for me on his Facebook page is Danny’s humanity and the unsure courage of his intentions and purpose. And then it struck me like a bolt from the blue… There it was… His religious beliefs: Maybe a Buddhist… Yes, Danny, whatever the self describes, describes the self. It is a bold statement for a LDS man to make. It was that statement that struck me so poignantly.
I’m pretty sure Danny was tired of his quiet emotional pain. Nothing can be worse than trying to control what can’t be controlled. Maybe Danny didn’t live his life like others wanted him to live. Maybe he didn’t let life live him. But he is still the hunter and warrior with the slingshot, and I think he knew we couldn’t hit anything if we don’t shoot. This time, maybe he missed his target. But reality is never too big for an open mind, and Danny’s mind is open to greater and boundless possibilities. Perhaps the venue of this existence wasn't enough for Danny’s spirit…
C. S. Lewis wrote in his book The Great Divorce; the spirit, who was about to pass through to heaven says, “Are those people right who say that heaven and hell are only states of mind?” The angel replies, “Ye cannot fully understand the relations of Choice and Time until you are beyond both. And ye were not brought here to study such curiosities. What concerns you is the nature of the choice itself: that ye can watch them making.”
In the movie The Matrix Reloaded, Oracle lovingly tells Neo, “We can never see past the choices we don’t understand.” Neo asks, “Why am I here? To make the choice?” Oracle, quietly states, “You’re not. You’ve already made it. You’re here to understand why you made the choice.”
All very Buddhist, and Christ would have almost certainly said such things. Danny made choices, perhaps they weren’t made in this existence, but nevertheless he made them. Some would have disagreed with many of his choices. I couldn’t second-guess him. My own knowledge is so limited. If God were all knowing, omnipotent, and powerful, then he wouldn’t limit himself in that way. Because our understanding of God is limited, we restrict God to our own limited beliefs. Then, we only distance ourselves from God. I don’t feel Danny was a limited spirit in the way most of us are in this existence. As someone has said, reality is always kinder than our thoughts. Yes, Danny . . . You describe yourself. . .
I’m so very proud of Danny! He's a beautiful spirit, so loving, so childlike, so expansive. In a wonderful way, I’m quite pleased he’s on a great adventure. He’s not in hell, but in his heaven. In our innocence of not knowing, in our wisdom of not needing to know, we can see that everything as it appears in the moment is always benevolent. That's why I'm not sad for him. . .
Danny, when it’s my time to pass from this existence, I’ll look you up. When I'm beyond being concerned about Choice and because I know I'm timeless, we'll find that Suburban (because all things are possible) and I’ll finally have that slingshot I’ve always wanted. Let’s shoot out ALL the windows, and laugh about it with great fun and take pleasure in our not knowing. We can do it now, if you'd like, Danny. I’m always pleased for you.
TC,
Michael
Copyright (C) 2010 Michael G. Hesley
All Rights Reserved
